My lovestory… of Kim
(me without the glasses, her with glasses on)
A lovestory that i’d never forget in my lifetime.
I was lost then, I had nothing better to do but to party everytime. I had given up on love. I was so scared to love again that I didn’t take anyone who liked me seriously.
Then one day, I met this guy online. He was so much of a flirt, and so I was because I didn’t want anything for real then. Sparks few the first time we met and he then asked for my number.
He called me up same day which I didn’t expect to be so soon. We had talked for hours the first time and there was nothing but exchanges of laughter. It’s THE most amazing feeling, where you just get along so well that every word you and that person says leaves a trail of tingling sensation in your ears and sends butterflies in your stomach!
It then grew to everyday conversations over the phone. He’d call me every morning and every evening of everyday. We’d send text messages between the days. It was an unending exchange of flirting.
After a week, he then told me he was falling so quickly for me. He said he loves me and he could not restrain himself any longer. I, in turn was also feeling the same, but I was scared to even utter those words because I might just believe it. It would be the end of my game.
I checked his facebook page and I wasn’t thoroughly convinced that he was the person in his facebook. He never had an updated picture of himself and his page didn’t have any of the relatives he had mentioned to me.
He’d whisper ‘I love you’ everytime, and I in turn would say: ‘thank you’. But what he didn’t know was I would whisper ‘I love you too’ back, but it was too weak for him to hear.
One day, he decided not to talk to me anymore because he could not take it. He says it was not my fault because he fell in love with me. I was in panic! I had this feeling of “need” for him and I just blurted that he could not leave because I LOVE HIM.
Since then, we have been together. Every day had been a trial. We would always fight and bicker about small things but at the end of the day we would find a way to love each other and be in good terms.
Knowing him for months, I have speculated in his identity because I have never seen him in camera. It had always been photos of him, but never a video of him. Then one day, there was this invite to add as a friend on facebook that I did not know of. It was a girl, and our mutual friend was HIM. I checked her page and all the things ive seen in the photos were people that he had mentioned to me.
I was convinced it was not a HIM but a HER.
I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t know how I would accept it. I cannot understand how he could hide in another identity for months.
I was hurt, I cried so hard but I never mentioned anything— not until I could’nt help it anymore. I asked him if he was ‘kim’. I secretly wished he would deny it like he had always denied about the times I have accused him of being a ‘poser’ because he could never prove himself as the guy that he is on facebook. But he did not deny himself, he was tired of pretending and said yes, it is her. I didn’t want to believe it but she was determined to tell me the truth and asked me to go on video chat and actually talk to me.
It was her.
I fell in love with a girl and I could not comprehend my feelings. I was confused. I was in love, yet broken at the same time.
She then visited me and we met for the first time. I could not help my adoration for her despite being a girl. I could not help but melt every time we would touch. I could not help loving her just because—-she was a girl. I could not waste my feelings, so raw and so real just because she is a girl.
Your hand in mine—intertwined. You tugging me lightly as you pull my hand and the weight of my arm behind you, to secure that I was alongside with you while walking in the street.
What you didn’t know, is that I look at you from your behind. My eyes full of adoration. You maybe a little shorter than me, but your light tugging and squeezing of my hand in yours easily makes my heart miss a beat!
(This is what you do to me. ♥)
Then the day has set for me to go to England to my family. I was still confused about myself. I just didn’t get it at that time that I love her. That it was just a gender.
It was a rambling of: “how can I fall in love with a girl? Do I really love this girl? Is this sisterly love? Is this a motherly love?”
I could not understand my feelings so I decided to push away from her for a bit, and also to prepare her and myself of not getting used to NOT talking to each other everyday because i’d be too far from her to maintain our communication.
I was hurt. It was ripping myself in pieces as I left.
England was a big chunk of my happiness and seeing my family is also a big chunk of happiness in my heart. But as the day progressed nearer to my departure, I never quite believed that I was already boarding on my way to England. It felt that I have left a part of me in my country—a big part.
So then, I came finally to England. We fought so many times that we decided to break up. It was the most agonizing feeling because I could not get any comfort from anyone.
My family does not know about her yet. I could not tell them because she is 10 years younger than me and I know they would say how foolish I was to fall in love!
I smiled weakly everytime to my family, pretending I was alright. It was the most saddest feeling that even the beauty of another country and being with my family cannot consume my sadness. I cried every night, for hours. Grieving for her.
It was then, I had realized that I truly loved her. For her. It was then that I understand that it was just a gender and nothing else. I longed for her so much. I missed her everytime and my love grew even more deeper and stronger. I was now 100% sure that I love this girl and it was a risk I was willing to take. I was willing to wait for her till she would finish schooling.
I had planned everything in my head and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life even if I was not sure if she had the same plans for me. She said she did also wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
And so we spend each day far from each other, still bickering every now and then. Maybe its because we could not understand each other very well because of our age. But one thing is for sure, I love her so much, even lying about her identity or her gender could not stop my feelings.
It was a feeling so raw and so real, I could not help but falling deeper each time.
It was death everytime we would break up. Death. Emptiness and Sadness that no one else can fill but hers and hers alone. Because my heart had always been of her possession.
I secretly wished I could break free from her possession, because sometimes it would hurt so bad— the missing, the arguments, the fights, the break ups. But we always find a way to mend each other’s hearts and the only healing we find in our broken hearts is each other.
Until now, we do not know how things would end, because everytime we would fight, we put the relationship in line and I die everytime. I die.